Fears for Tears - What If I Was Never Afraid?

The question always comes. What would I do if I wasn’t afraid? What would I do in my life if I didn’t have fears? Fears that are human, raw, and real to me and are often developed in the psyche by societal conditioning or self conditioning. What would I do?

It would be easy to say I would live a life without consequences. I would walk the line and the path of what I have always wanted to do without looking over my shoulder as the shadows that roam up and down the walls and hide in the dark places of my mind. I can’t even remember a time when I wasn’t consumed by the imaginary and illusion of “scary” and it has driven many of my motives in a fight to never let people in.

How is that working for you? The voice in my mind screams at me as I dance around the space between authenticity and the wonderful array of masks that fill up every possible surface, ready to grab and adorn. The truth is it never does.

You could argue that there are healthy fears that warn us not to go down one path, to self destruct or injure ourselves, like don’t put your hand in a boiling pot of water. We fear the boiling water because of the damage it will do, and rightly so, but what if we weren’t afraid of the water and we dove in and let it scold us a little? We would certainly learn not to do it again, would we have learned that if we hadn’t of tried it? Because what if we had skin that didn’t burn and it was all an illusion we were told to not live openly, freely, with curiosity.

Now I am not saying do this, but I assure you I have stuck fingers in the boiling pot of water and I’ve dealt with the consequences and sometimes that has made me feel more alive than fearing the boiling pot of water and getting someone else to handle it.

Loss is one of the more brutal and beautiful parts of being a human. Each of us looses something every day, we lose the day, the moon, the sunlight, and we even lose consciousness to go into an astral magical land when we close our eyes. We don’t live in a world where we fear these losses right?

I do. I live in fear of going so sleep. I fear the night as all the demons of my past come back to haunt me. I fear walking in the sunlight because it fucking burns and if I sparkle even just a little someone will notice it and point it out, then another person will stop and watch and pretty soon you have whole streets of people lined up waiting for you to be “human” because you fucked with tradition.

The way I see it, you can turn your back, and live in fear of the picket fence that they are sharpening or you can spread your arms and dance in the sun. Pretty soon the people who step beyond that threshold will join you in your glittery disco ball life rave.

We only get one life right? Even if you are like me and believe there is more lives to come, lives that have come before and parallel versions of myself split of into different universes, splits in time and possibly even countries in other bodies, do we really want to live it worrying about all the things we’ve done to wrong people or ourselves?

At some point we need to face the shadows and take its hand. Whether it leads is down a worse or better path, we are our actions. In each moment we choose to burn in the sunlight, or bathe in the moon. We can close our eyes and pull the covers up tight, or kick them back and breathe in the complexity of our existence asking who am I? Who can I be? What am I not afraid of?

I am not afraid of writing

I am not afraid of telling the truth

I am not afraid to love with an open heart and mind

I am not afraid to own my losses and try again

I am not afraid to admit I am a perverted/Dark human

I am not afraid to admit that I am a wild animalistic woman

I am not afraid to go against tradition and become a new way of being

I am not going to live my life believing that I am afraid of these things

It all comes down to choice. It all comes down to be willing to talk, to write, to pain, to dance, to move, to take risks till it all comes out and we are left with ourselves.

Our shadows will smile, and we can smile back knowing that no matter what anyone said, or what you decided to do, there is always another day and there is no such thing as forever – Be open, be fearless and live.